I’m seeing more first looks than I used to. I don’t just mean that I’m seeing more people choose to do a first look (although that feels like it’s happening too) — I mean I’m seeing more and more first looks on the same wedding day. Instead of just one with your partner, now there’s also one with your dad. And your bridesmaids. And your brother. And the groomsmen. I had a wedding this year that had FIVE different first looks.

I think there are a few different factors at play here:

• couples are genuinely trying to be intentional and include the people they love in their wedding morning.
• it’s fun to see different reactions, and to share the photos of those reactions!
• It may feel expected/like a normal part of the wedding experience
• it’s theoretically easier for photographers to set up the shot, know whose reaction to look for, and then capture it exactly when expected.
• Photographers who encourage first looks also know that they will have more time for photos before the ceremony if couples do a first look, which takes pressure off them.

These reasons make sense to me. But in all honesty, when you have 2, 3, 5+ first looks it starts to feel… performative. For everyone. You have to hide beforehand, move everyone into position, have the first look, and then reset everything all over again for the next one. And then again. And again. And instead of getting to see you naturally and react however they want to, the people who are part of these first looks now have at least some level of pressure to react a certain way — cry, freak out at how incredible you look, jump up and down, etc. And that pressure, whether they’re conscious of it or not, definitely impacts the way they experience their day.

I have always tried to be respectful of first looks. My personal opinion on them is that they are (or should be) less about the photos, and more about the moment. The couples I’ve worked with in the past know that I’ll typically help them set up, and then I back way off and don’t come back until they wave me over and let me know they’d like to take couple portraits.

But honestly, even that amount of involvement is starting to feel intrusive. As I move into this season’s wedding, I’m starting to wonder how I as a photographer can help reduce the pressure my couples feel to perform, and protect the intimate and sacred moments of their day — especially since I personally was a very private, reserved bride who just cared about time with my husband on our wedding day. I really believe that as a wedding vendor, sometimes it can be really helpful for me to give reassurance that you are allowed to make decisions about your day, and that you are making a good decision for you and your partner even if other people may be pressuring you in another direction.

So if you feel like you need permission from a photographer:

You do not need to do a first look on your wedding day.

You don’t have to do one with your partner, your dad, your wedding party, or anyone else if you don’t want to.

You don’t have to stage a first look on your wedding day

If you want the time with your partner before the ceremony, you can choose to have time with your partner before your ceremony without staging anything. You can simply see each other for the first time without making it a production and without forcing expectations or reactions.

You can have a first look without photographers, videographers, or anyone else present

You can absolutely plan a first look (or just time with your partner pre-ceremony) just for the experience of it, without any photos or anyone else. You can tell your photographer, videographer, and others that you want it to be completely private. You can also ask them to get photos/videos from much further away, where they aren’t intruding on your space and privacy at all.

You can wait until the aisle to see each other

If you or your partner really cares about waiting to see each other until the aisle, it is absolutely worth it to prioritize that.

Your other priorities can be accommodated too

There are a lot of reasons given to encourage first looks. Lots of them are completely valid reasons. But there is absolutely a way to accommodate your priorities without forcing you to have a first look if you don’t want. Below are some examples of potential problems and solutions:

We want to spend more time together on our wedding day but don’t want to do a first look:

You can move your ceremony earlier, go out for breakfast together or plan time together in the morning before getting ready, you can plan a “first touch” or time together where you can’t see each other

We’re worried about how much time photos will take during cocktail hour if we don’t do a first look:

You can have a smaller list of formal photos, and a list of informal group photos for your photographer to prioritize during cocktail hour or the reception. You can do some of the photos with the wedding party or with your family before the ceremony (photos of just you and your mom, or you and the bridesmaids, for example). You can plan food and/or an activity for your guests during cocktail hour to keep them busy. You’d be surprised how much fun it is to simply grab some food and catch up with family and friends, and most of your guests won’t be a bit bothered at the time between the ceremony and reception as long as there’s something to eat and drink and somewhere to gather comfortably.

We want to be able to get nice photos of us without feeling rushed because of guests/timeline/sunset/etc:

You can plan your ceremony for earlier in the day, you can plan wedding portraits on a separate day, you can communicate with your family and guests about the time you want or need for portraits, you can ask your photographer about flash portraits.

We’re having a winter wedding and we’re going to be tight on lighting because of the earlier sunset time:

You can still do the above!

You don’t need permission. (but you have it anyway.)

Whatever your worries are, I hope that you will focus in on you and your partners priorities and the experience you’ll have together on your wedding day. For some couples, having a first look really will alleviate stress and make the day go how they want it to. For others, choosing not to do a first look is what feels right and they’ll be glad they made that decision the rest of their lives. This is the fun part about getting married: you get to make these decisions together now!

If you’re running into other concerns, reach out to me. I would love to help you brainstorm a solution that will fit your needs and priorities on wedding day! Learn more about my wedding collections here, or reach out to me through my contact form here.